In turn, your spouse will be able to talk about his/her dawning awareness of his/her past selfishness and hurtfulness and any regrets felt over them. My husband is a cheater after, I had twins it continue and I know that I care for him but down deep inside I hate him. Yet it is hard when we feel emotions that are both profound and all-encompassing, such as love and hate, toward the same person. A lot of the times we fight he packs his stuff up and is gone about a day or so. I find myself cautious about my feelings for him and without him really saying and based on our conversations, I am thinking his feelings are guarded as well. I think its about abuse willful, intentional abuse (which you refer to as betrayal), and not ever making amends for it which is the essential cause of the suffering. Shes started to talk to me a bit but is obviously not interested in talking about getting back together. My past is not letting me live. How do I trust him again? Let me ask you: Do you know what he cares about? I dont feel anything when we kiss or have sex. wait ? He dun have a good marriage and thus treat me very good and lovingly.All these years with him, I always remind myself he is a married man and I cant get myself into this rs( relationship) . My whole life I have wanted to find someone Who cared about me just for me. I found a video call and chat where he was asking her to pull off her clothes, twerk and show him her privates. Two years ago he left got counseling and blocked everything so he could focus n himself. I have changed and I am working on myself to be a better man for her if she decides to give us a chance again. You can look up a bit of it on my personal blog at drdeb.com in the abuse section. 5. I wanted to discover who I really was before I got married to my boyfriend. Finally in 2 years ago he proposed and set into plan moving to live with me. Maybe you can do that for him. I was like I need to see the progress since I paid for repairs and fixing. We have been there only two weeks and he tells me he doesnt love me anymore and will be moving into an apartment. In our last msg, i ask if we can be friends . We have been together for almost 4 years and were living together for 2.5. This kind of practice has spread throughout []. Thats good you are in therapy. He broke up with me while he was overwhelmed trying to take care of me. I dont know if its depression along with anger or if its time to just walk away He left for italy 1 month after getting together and we talked for 6 months. First boyfriend, literally everything. He was very light-hearted around her at each meeting & I could see his colour rise & the change in his voice & body language towards her whenever we visited. He admitted it to me and when I said never contact me again he said call me in about a month when your knocked up!! We live in another country and I recently had to leave to change our visa status. 3weeks ago I discovered he has a another woman there in Mpumalanga what must I do. . Hi Kells She has felt like this for about 3 years but was afraid to tell me. It turns out that no matter what they discussed .. it was no more than what he discussed with his customers,our daughters or me. so he had sex with her the day after I left and times before I got there when I was feeling like things were off it was because of that. So we stayed together again, and talked about counseling but we never went through on the idea. I have a feeling he is going through some sort of emotional crisis, like a breakdown. For two years. I am very proud of him for getting a great job and more money for our bills and to save for the future. Do you think its possible to fall back in love with your Husband? For example he was working out of town and he stated that he had no service in the casino/area he was in and didnt get in contact with me for few hours. It means hes already around the corner waiting for u to get money and come out. I would rather see YOU give him the oral sex dressed up in a way that excites your and his imagination. Long story short. Since you do not say what the argument was that turned her off and I dont really understand the every-day feel of your relationship, I dont know what to suggest other than that your girlfriend might want to make an appmt w me since I am a Marriage & Family Therapist. She accepted it at first but later would take advantage of it. But she also didnt do anything to try and fix it. I know he was my soulmate, I would have forgiven him anything and fought to keep him in my life whatever he said or did to reject or hurt me. Usually systemic family therapists at a doctoral level would be best for the kind of situation you describe. She says she loves me and I am her best friend but to be betrayed and treated as I have been is truly breaking my heart. Now, the first time I trust him again he breaks boundaries I had thought I set (yes she can please you, does not mean yay sexy free for all). she learned to care about me deeply. Doesnt behaving in the same way mean being blind to what is going on around and within us? I never would have gotten to this point in my marriage without this revelation, thank you. When we first started dating there was an incident where the woman from the previous relationship he was in, was impregnated by him, and she coincidently found out in the beginning of our relationship. He decided to go abroad which I disapproved and he broke up with me for some months. I met this man early 2012 we were staying in the same complex things started all as a joke ad time went on I was advise that he was married I asked him he refused and as time went on I literally believed him as he will stays here in Pretoria but his family is from Mpumalanga. Nothing makes you realize you dont fully possess someone like finding out theyve been sleeping with someone else. I was cheated on 2x. Its just getting worse I know something needs to change I just dont know what the right decision isIm afraid if I leave for good Ill be making a mistake and feel guilty for not keeping our family togetherjust very confused. He struggles on been a husband . What would a new date or a new wife do who feels a bit shy w a new partner? I fear that well be several days without talking because he doesnt have this need to talk that I do and also maybe he feels that if he contacts me hes giving me a hope that hes not sure of. Dont make the same mistake I did. When it started. He was so patient with me the past year. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC. Im in a similar position but its my partner that has said shes not in love with me anymore. I came home from work and told my wife that was it. Not worth it. Then he told me , he really didnt and that he didnt feel any urges to talk or anything. All of the above matters. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years, 2.5 years long distance. I have been married for 10 years, i say I because i was technically the only one who acted as if i was married. You cant just say, Because I know. That wouldnt be strong enough for him. No longer friends on social media. I basically take care of him like a kid and goes behind my back and decieves me. I had a full breakdown and we talked a lotnot great conversations. We have 1 child together and we have another child who I consider my own because was only 6 months old when we started dating. Take your time. in love with me but the thing is it was a long However, that wasnt the case. but i loved his nan, like my own, i only ever had one nan till i met my partner. What can I do? How do I, so to speak, make him fall back in love with me? And I meet a new guy who in many ways is better than my ex but I just cant feel anything for him its so frustrating but I just cant stop loving my ex. Hes the most amazing man Ive ever met and Ive completely destroyed everything in our relationship and yet somehow he is giving me a chance to fix it. that she didnt like her emotional reaction to the argument and had stopped listening to me and didnt care. Where does this other girl stand ? I know Im going to have to take the initiative and hopefully hell see how hard Im trying and follow suit. But I am focusing on you because you are the one that asked. I repeat: people who cheat when they love someone else, cant imagine good things like true love in their life. But i really wnat to be with him. That is the only thing I have to hang into as a sign of hope and that isnt much. The kind of trust and respect we had is something that neither of us had ever had with anyone before and is devastating to lose. If you have a need to talk, then you are still insecure. Please help. I am also thinking that he and his parents are the only people who gave you love and care. Does anyone have any insight on giving space to someone that is hurting while living with them?? after having the baby the arguments continued because he spends most of his time away from home . distance relationship so she felt lonely, my physical Dear Dr. Deb, Her so much I cant take another. You didnt respond but thats ok, thats not why Im writing. We have two young daughters and so the thought of divorce also causes me great anxiety. What Happens When People Date Out of Their League, "Why Do I Keep Attracting Toxic Partners? we still live under the same roof. The only good thing that has come of this is my loosing 46 pounds but Id have preferred happiness & fidelity far more. He did all of this and I still found things to fear in our relationship but nothing because he gave me a reason to fear it. Therefore, while the degree will be a big help on the intellectual end of figuring out everything, the help the counselor gives is an emotionally safe and wise place to look at, heal, and improve feelings. And then I get afraid that she is going to leave me. But he was the one ignoring me and the problems in our relationship and it seemed like the more I tried to love him the more he pushed me away. I want to forgive him but, my mind can not stop going back on what they did. Maintain and support your and your partners individual interests. We both messed up but shes the type of girl who knows shes wrong but wont admit it. What qualities do you admire or feel amused by? It is not on the surface. I would give anything to go back to earlier this year and try again with his honesty. It just goes to show she never really cared like she said she did. 5 days passed and no word. But we were all drinking so I obviously wasnt making good decisions. Often, the challenge isn't finding love, but daring to face one's own defenses and let love develop. He than confessed to have very strong feelings for the band singer. We were with another couple who we are very good friends with. I suggest she get counseling to help her figure this out. He was my perfect first boyfriend and I needed to be the perfect girlfriend. She came and indeed I felt like my soul was restored. }, Let your partner know whats going on in your mind beneath any chitchat or practical issues. Identifying what you want from a future . I cheated a couple of times n i was also women enough to let him know. Through lots of introspection, Ive answered my own questions and concerns. I hate to keep saying therapy in this column but I guess thats why God created therapists. They shared a fantasy life of husband & wife whenever they could & he would have left me for her has she left her husband. I grew up as an orphan. I never said that. We hung out every other day since then. What can I do or we do to get through this? she said shes forgiven me but doesnt think well ever be together again. Youre asking a good question. Greenspan, P. (1980/2017). as I read ur story I felt it wAs me writing it. I have been unfaithful to my wife for 10 years. We had a very difficult relationship and it was always difficult. I do also still have feelings for my husband. How can I get beyond feeling so guilty and shameful so I can put some work in to making him feel that I care deeply about him? I was gutted and a we had a few arguments in consecutive days. Hi Ruqyah But I also told her that I will fight tooth and nail to keep our marriage together. Im special to her, but she seems too hurt. He was intimate with this woman who is married with children in my own bed as well as hers. There was no contact with the first girl after the night he broke up with her) I kind of gave him a free pass on both of those, they hurt, I was honest an open with my feelings, he understood why I was upset and did everything he could to fix the problem. But hundreds of calls to her costing in excess of SAR12,000 unfolded. } else { I finally went back to the US and told him I wanted out if the marriage. He loved me though was a hot tmepered peron but really loved me a lot .we stopped meeting each other because my family is so against of him and their arent allowing me to meet that guy or to go out of thw house alone . Hi. How do I let go of fear and love again Innocently? Can he fall back in love with me and not want to get a divorce. We often try to get from our partners what we lack within. He spends his days with her constantly and constantly talks to her on the phone. Whats falling in Do you think its possible to trust each other again when both people were wronged? Not in rude way but in a tune that my question was irrelevant. Its way too confusing for him. I have just been dumped by my soulmate. Thats true love. Im bothered by his lack of compassion, not your lack of listening. Our was not only child but freezing cold weather on Wednesday morning. Dont for a minute think that these changes are just a matter of attitude. There is a reason why you were hurt and cold all this time. He was sexted other woman for 7 to 9 months. I love him and i dont want to ever lose him. But when I hate you, its because I love you (Nat King Cole). You guys were fooling around and having fun. shopping done, meals cooked. Everything was great again for 2 years. Don't stop having faith . A year later, she accuses him of being the father of her 3 year old daughter, and I find out that they have been seeing each other for 2 weeks and that he may be the father. can you love someone again after hating them. Hows does one deal with that? Ever since we had that fall out hes like a changed man. I realized I had the problem and now am with the most amazing man. Please go together to see a couples counselor. This began to break her down into depression and now, about a year later, she tells me she no longer has any feeling for me. Not really sure what to doI want to keep trying but not sure how to go about it, he needs to talk it all out and get it out to let go of all the anger or try to but he just shuts me out and ignores me for days on end and has an attitude from hellI have said countless times that Im sorry and at times things seem totally normal and others its like weve never shared anything together or been in lovehelp. Then, after he promises everything and you move, and he does not love you any more, now you love him so much. Thats your first step to rekindle your relationship (if at all you are sincere). we have a beautiful home thats half way paid for outright, love, attraction, everything? We were best friends. Anyway, I seem to want he tot forgive me, make up her mind to make this work no matter what, and move on. I have been married for 19 years. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 yrs and we recently just parted ways in the past 4 days. Promises wouldnt be enough. Be happy to hear your advice. My husband was equally shocked as he thought that he was telling me about the calls he made to her. Any advice would be appreciated. Is that pushing him further away from me? But the truth is, your partner probably always had these qualities, even when you first fell in love. I really do feel horrible for what happened and I love him so much. And then prescription drugs painkillers took over. She stayed in touch with me, but rejected any kind of connection with me. My boyfriend and I were dating for going on 11 years. Trust is easy to break, but difficult to build back up. Hes a very jealous guy since day one but Ive accepted that about him because I would love him and would hope he would heal and get past it. Our one issue was a difference in sex drives. what we can do together to connect emotional again, what we need to change .Or what i need to do to save my married !,And make him feel in love again with me, thank you iam in a lot pain emotional am devastated . Something just snapped in my husband and he tipped out of the bed suddenly, knocking my bedside table over in the process. I go to work, do what I can & come home. One day we had a short argument. That is something he will have to work on. WE literally had a wonderful six months before this one fight. https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. I have a child from a previous relationship. He wont believe me. Im trying to continue toconverse as we did but she says I AM ONLY THINKING ABOUT MY FEILLINGS AND IM NOT GETTING IT. What are the strong points, the attractive features? He has plenty of friends and family that he can talk to (even older male friends that he said he looks up to) , and many of them have talked to him about our situation, but I dont know if he truly has listened to them. I am wondering if it is wise to let him know now of my past experience while we are having our time apart. Sexting and such is escapism. And voila! But I speak in my email using terms like my partner, I dont say her etc., I basically say that I want a partner that I could have told her what the issue was and we come to an agreement that works for both of us. We are like soul-mates and only like the comfort from each other. So cold, angry and unforgiving. However, I still mourn the loss of my marriage, and what I SHOULD have had. He also has a habitat of accusing me of cheating which ive never done or given him a reason to be that way we also fight over that. Is there hope to savage my marriage and bring my husband back to me or is everything ruined and its to late meaning he will never fall in love with me again and the divorce is coming. Give that effort and love to your child. I try to talk with her with different apps she talk with me for-awhile and she either uninstall the app or block me for no reason. He has told me that he wants to be with me for the rest of his life and if I wasnt in it, then no one would be. But its been 2 years now and he brings this up everyday, yes I get it I hurt you Im sorry but to bring it up everyday? The bottom line is that sex was meant to cement a relationship. Get him to an addictions specialist asap!! What it means to feel emotionally safe in a relationship. You dont actually ask a question. I never felt so much respect and care from a male in my life. You may have had children together. Your actions in betraying were not giving, not even to yourself. Or for rebuilding trust? Think of all the people who love you and the people who think highly of you. it was good. Most of the steps presented here are easier said than done for one fundamental reason. 3. Im so hurt right now. He didnt however, and 2 days later I ended up alone with his phone by chance. We love each other like no other but I feel the love falling on my side. And i just want my best friend and lover back. Hi Jessica I love him and miss him dearly but to be used and manipulated forced me to do this. I think Ive been showing them that Ive changed, but I think he believes Im only acting like this because were not in a relationship. My husband felt he had fulfilled his part but I was slacking with my end. I am sorry I was not able to respond last year to your question. He even said that he thought it might upset me, but figured it wouldnt be so bad. Yes, at the extremes. At the time I wanted to get married, he didnt. Since we broke up hes been traveling a lot for work, always to the same place. for her and she lost the sparkright now im so Out of blue she called me this Monday February 20 early in the morning on my way to work. He had a rough upbringing and there was no solid male figure in his life to teach him how to really love. I was logged in to his account, so Id see when he deleted their chats. For a few days he texted or called saying he wanted to chill. He is not the kind of person who likes to talk about feelings or his inner world, nor does he need to communicate on daily basis with me. :(. i have been with my partner since i was 15 yrs old (18 yrs GOING INTO 19 YRS) we have also lived together since that age too. It would blow me away when I rarely heard him say anything positive towards me. The level of emotional connection I have with my EAP is so huge and the level with my husband so minimal it is quite difficult to imagine climbing that mountain. I was stubborn and got irritated easily, a trait that I now know was conditioned from living with my father who shows the exact same attitude. And while she was away. Letting him do you like this is letting him run over you. She will find that attractive. Thank you dr deb i really appreciate your answer i am desperate to get my husband back the thing is i dont have place in AZ to go and he doesnt offer me to move with them i do not know how can i stared because i will have to live my job behind and i do not know how stared again with out support any suggestions how can i make him interested on me again .any ideas when you say try to be sexy, how can i approach the situation he say hes not connected to me emotional and dont want to have anything with me and told me never make him happy how can i call his attention again because feel like we talk just as a friend that it nothing else .i feel if i dont do anything and i do not talk to him i feel desperate and also i feel like i am losing him day by day is any good place in AZ for good therapy we both can attend or how we can start all over again what kind the things i should but he isnt doing that on his own like texting me or calling me. Thanks in advance and apologies for the length of post but as I said it is all still pretty raw. A trial was never scheduled for that year so the kids were in limbo for over 2 years. He says he didnt realize that any i would consider any of this cheating and apologized. Although opposites do attract, the fundamental, deep-down attraction comes from a reflection of oneself. I thought you said the gut is just a dude that comes in the hood. But it is all out in the open now. I met my girlfriend during my senior year and her freshman year of college. Our dark past has affected us both and I wish there was a way we could both get pass this hurdle and rebuild our trust for each other. I have asked her to consider stop corresponding with her Ex but as I have decided not to use my skills to track her for my own sanity I am not sure if she has. Truly blessed. I believe thats because somewhere deep down she knows the guy isnt a good character but shes too busy filling the voids I left her with to want to leave him. I still get very emotional jut thinking back to my most vulnerable states and how alone I was. I have been married for 14 years to someone who is emotionally unavailable. It will give me an opportunity to show her that I am there for her and support her even when things get stressful with school work. Now suddenly after 3 years he cant tell me he loves me, and claims once I said that about the miscarriage he stopped but has been saying it for the past two months trying to force himself to feel it but wont ever deal with whats bothering him, he just bottles it up and gets more and more angry, and even more angry if I try to talk to him about it which is frustrating to me because I am a talker and try to talk things out. No support from family or anyone else. I know and accept he is married, I wouldnt want his wife nor would I expect him to leave his wife because they have been together a long time, I simply like what we have between us. The woman Ive been dating for 2 months is afraid of intimacy and has admitted to never being in love. 3. I left comment here before about my ex girlfriend who got pregnant for her best friend while we were together. Then, I basically told him that I was fed up him, were broken up, and that hes free to go do whatever he wants, and Ill do the same. Theres always something new to discover about each other, and if you keep showing interest, youll keep feeling toward each other, both because you know the other person, and because youre known by them. What hurt was that he completely ignored me. It destroyed his trust. The fact that he loves but doesnt like you is what is clueing me in that there is something on your part that you need to look at. We dated for around 6 year (not including a year that we broke up two years ago). Ive started with a new therapist and I really feel like she will be able to help me. I pretty much ignored him for the whole night, and I danced with my male friend to make matters worse. Your date will also see what kind of person you are by how well you can ride a bike, which will be a good way to gauge if shes right for you or not without having to sit down and actually have a conversation with her. Introduction Love and hate are important human affects that are of long-standing interest in psychology. From his point of view I betrayed him and from my point of view he betrayed me and the children. If you do take him back, you have to put your foot down and tell him how you feels about situation and make a list for him to understand and make sure you know he is applying himself to the list everyday. and to connect with him. She spoke to her mum asking if it was normal thing putting it towards wedding jitters. So the therapist he goes to cannot be someone who just listens and says, Uh-hun. He was never like this before , the type to cheat. Real life is never like the fantasy we have when we first fall in love. I have forgiven him and Im willing to work things out because I really do love him. Hi Shena for the past months i was the one whos paying for our dates, sometimes he will pay for the meal and i will pay for the movies, but most of the time i was the one who pays a lot. he is always at her house evryday of the week sometimes when i talk about it he would do better and then go right back into the old ways. How csn I win her trust back? My wife and I have been together for 17 years total, married for the last 8. He doesnt care about you. My husband and I have been together for two years and 6 months. and she is slowly pushing away. We were three weeks not talking. | As parents, being nice is not enough: You have to require discipline from your children and it doesnt seem like they did that. That is why I reach out to her when she is needy. This accomplishes two things: 1. Now we are at a crossroads where Ive hurt him so much that he cant let go and cant forgive me, even though all these events happened at least 2years ago. He suggest we should look for counseling, it that will help? You met in your senior year. Weve seen each other a few times and hes kissed me and huggedwithout me pulling him in. We have more information about domestic violence at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-domestic-violence.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html. I wasnt flirting, things from my side were completely platonic but soon he found out and when he confronted me about it I was so ashamed I lied. I know he loves me and says he wants me in his life in the future. Truly I am regretting what I did. 4. I have been loyal to him from the start and I chose to forgive him as I was tired of running away from every relationship and wanted to know if I was strong enough to keep loving him. Hes promised to therapy, to get his testosterone checked, work out..etc. Now he is 2 days sober and begging for forgiveness since he sees Im ready to leave. Tells her about me. I just want a fresh start for my life. It makes my heart ache that I have done these things to her! To my knowledge neither ever became physical, but the pain wasnt any less. When you feel guilty for hurting someone you love, holding in those feelings makes it worse. 3 times, with one person. Earlier this week she said she didnt love me anymore and that she doesnt want to be with me ever again.